the math isn’t mathing
If you (like me) are chronically online, you (like me) may have been enjoying the current discourse arc from girl math to boy math (and gay math and nonbinary math and NYC math and also NYC girl math — don’t even get me started on the Love Is Blind x girl math crossover happening right now).
I love the incredible creativity, the hilarious skewering, the goofy solidarity, and, of course, the brilliant analyses.
And I am endlessly fascinated that what we mean when we say boy math is really just patriarchy math.
Boy math is “I would never traumatize you the way HE did,” but then traumatizing you in a worse way.
Boy math is “I’m a loud and proud feminist,” but then treating the actual women in his life with breathtaking misogyny.
Boy math is I came out as a sexual violence survivor, and his sibling liked the post.
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Patriarchy (and white supremacy and capitalism) teaches men to reach for power, without telling them that “every time you reach for power instead of love, you will isolate yourself.” We solve that pesky little problem by devaluing community, dehumanizing other people. After all, patriarchy insists that we’re better off alone.
Turning towards one other is a choice, and not one that comes easily. What happens when the responsibility we have towards each other is shaped by patriarchal power? What happens when the abdication of that responsibility is shaped by misogyny?
The wounds that we inflict on each other are intimate and vast — but then the restoration can be revolutionary. How do we take on the voices of shame and neglect when they are so deeply embedded? How do we transform instead to the joy of vulnerability and relational intimacy? How do we repair with compassion, knowing, of course, that this is going to hurt?
Next week, I’m teaching a two-day workshop on the theory, praxis, and skills of unraveling patriarchy. I’d love for you to join me.
BOY MATH: for the “good men” and the people who love them
October 19 + 20, 2023
3-4:30pm ET
lifetime replay access
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I am teaching this class because — frankly — I am exhausted from being traumatized by the men who say they love me. I am fed up with the men who profess to be feminists, but then treat the actual people in their lives with disdain and disposability. I am furious for the times I have let casual misogyny slide, and then was surprised when it was turned on me.
I am teaching this class because I am tired of having to survive loving men. I am teaching this class because I love the men in my life fiercely, and this is part of my love for them, and for us.
Learn more and join me, in loving men and unraveling patriarchy.
I'd love to see you there — and feel free text the link to someone you think could use the practice.
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PS – here's what I mean by the “good men.”